You spent all night downing booze and creating killer memories that you don’t actually remember. Whether you were “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” or “Droppin’ it like it was hot” , it’s safe to say you were quite inebriated and it was simply swell. What’s not so swell- it’s Saturday morning and your head is killing you. Chances are if you’re reading this right now the words on the screen might make you a little woozy… so I’ll get right down to the guts of it (whoops, sorry, bad word choice).
Two Ibuprofen and a Gatorade
Maybe last night you were the cool kid offering shots of Jack Daniels to all your homies… but today you’re definitely drinking the Hatorade. You should be given props for simply getting up today. Caution to the people who walk past you, no matter their expression – a look of concern or a smug grin – you might just punch them in the face. Calm down jock strap, maybe later you’ll have time to take a nap, but for now head down and nose to the grind stone.
A helpful alternative? Try drinking coconut water instead. It’s packed with electrolytes those sweet, sweet little saviors. Coconut water has the potassium of four bananas, is cholesterol free, and extremely hydrating.
Do you often take runs after binge drinking escapades?
You’re an overachiever. From us to you: Stop. You’re making us look bad. Just go back to bed and writhe in pain like the rest of us mere mortals. Beware when using this method! If you’re not properly hydrating you could actually be hurting more than helping.
Instead, bring your water bottle on a light jog. No one’s racing you; what are you trying to prove?
You have your hangover cure set in stone. Maybe it’s a six-inch Veggie sub and a TCBY frozen yogurt. Maybe it’s a cup of tea, a cheesy beef burrito and a Pain Aid. Whatever that weirdly magical combination is, you’ll be good as new. You swear by it. You need it. If you don’t have it, game over. Well done, grasshopper, to thine self be true.
Hair of the Dog that Bit You
Sure you might be giving your body more toxins to deal with-delaying a worse hangover in the future… but like the procrastination star you are, just hold that off as long as possible. In fact you may as well just drink all day too. Let that lukewarm Bud Light wrap it’s reassuring arms around you and get cozy in front of the TV – you’re not going anywhere.
That Greasy Fix
If only you’d eaten them before you downed all those gin and tonics… There isn’t any actual evidence that proves bacon and eggs for breakfast or a large order of fries can help cure your hangover. But hey man, whatever helps you sleep at night.
There are those whose “stand by” is a cold Coca-Cola, those who prefer coffee and better yet those who down a Red Bull. These are the quenchers seeking immediate gratification when they wake up after their long night on the town. To these folks I say, “good luck”. Like a sugar rush, this form of hangover cure is doubtful to last very long and will leave your body extremely dehydrated.
Might I suggest copious, extraordinary amounts of water or perhaps a glass of flat Ginger Ale to soothe your stomach instead.
Like it was a bad dream:
Sleep it off. Sleep is the most effective and only proven cure of a hangover. If you’re lucky enough to catch a couple extra z’s today, do so.
Hint: Morgan Freeman’s voice will forever be a good idea to help soothe you to sleep. Pop Shawshank in the DVD player and let his voice do it’s magic.
Last night you thought to yourself, “I’ll let my future self deal with it.” Today, future self thinks you’re an asshole. So I should probably throw this one in there just to be safe… maybe… just possibly… you could drink more responsibly next time? In moderation perhaps. Drinking a glass of water between shots of tequila doesn’t make you a pussy, it makes you a smart pussy. So plan ahead and save your future self.
You may already know about the elusive University of Montana clock tower pumpkin that appears every year. If you’re not familiar, here’s the scoop: every year since students can remember, someone (or something) waits until Halloween comes around so they (or it) can put a pumpkin on top of The University of Montana’s Main Hall clock tower. The pumpkin is somehow pierced through the needle at the highest point of the clock tower, like an olive through a toothpick.
There have only been two public sources of someone interacting with the party responsible for this amazing feat, which I know of. Jesse Spaulding’s 2010 documentary on the subject showed him speaking with an individual that claimed to be “the pumpkin man,” but the truth is yet to be known (pictured below). The other instance was in 2004 when one of these crafty pranksters was apparently arrested.
3 years ago, I had the privilege of meeting someone that was responsible for this tradition. It was a slightly brisk spring night on the oval when we met. Some friends and I sat on the grass after playing ultimate Frisbee with some people we just met, as easily as it is to do in Missoula. I struck up a conversation with one of the new players, Pete, and we started talking about how we got to the University of Montana. After a few minutes we then started talking about what outdoor sports Missoula was really good for. Pete (his name has been changed for the sake of this story) began to go into his passion for climbing, and had tons of intense stories from all kinds of climates. Ice climbing, bouldering, mountaineering, he was on a level that my once in a while climbing attempt at The Rec Center just couldn’t touch.
Since we were on The Oval, I randomly thought of the infamous pumpkin tradition on the Main Hall clock tower. How did someone manage to climb up there? At that point I’d been going to school for a few years to realize that the pumpkin prank was a recurring event. Unexpectedly, Pete started talking about how it could be done, and exactly how he thinks the pumpkin reached such heights. He skirted around the subject a little bit but then began explaining in detail how these pumpkin ninjas manage to climb up that high successfully every year. I think he knew that I was catching on. Nobody close by could hear our conversation, and so he asked if I wouldn’t spread around the information he revealed to me. He then explained in detail about how he was once apart of the secret rotating team of expert climbers that helped continue this mysterious tradition.
“I didn’t know any of them before someone tapped my shoulder by the Rec Center climbing wall. This guy just came up and asked if I wanted to be apart of a cool project that him and some friends were working on, and my skills were needed. The next thing I knew, I’m being told all about how this crazy Halloween tradition is done every year. And for some reason I was attracted to the idea.”
It was hard to believe what I was hearing. It sounded like something from The Skulls the way he described it. Were these people just another secret society that fit right in with all the other ones in American history? Pete then elaborated on the details of how their system worked, year after year:
“It worked like this, every year: One year someone in the group is the main climber, the one in charge of actually putting the pumpkin on top of the clock tower. Someone else belay’s the one climbing up to make sure that if they fall they’re going to be ok. The next year the previous person that was climbing rotates out and a new person is put into the rotation as the one that belays. Others in the group watch for security and make sure the perfect time is picked to avoid security. The people involved are constantly changing.”
“My first year doing it as the climber, it was unbelievable. The most surreal memory was actually climbing up the clock face on Main hall. It felt just like that scene in Peter Pan. I had my legs on the minute hand, while trying to get a grip on the ledge above with the help of the hour hand that was then pointed straight up at 12. This just happened to be the time that we picked, its not always happening when the hour hand is at 12, or even on Halloween. “
This is most of what I can remember from my conversation with Pete, and I’m pretty astonished that he even told me this much. I really only believed him because of how much detail he was able to go into. I don’t think I’ve seen him since, but then again he’s probably passed the pumpkin torch down to another expert climber to further this unique tradition at The University of Montana.
It’s only natural that a holiday that has become centered on drinking and celebrating would be the best day of the year for a college student. Here’s why:
1. There is ALWAYS a party
Let’s face it: If you’re a college student, partying is one of your top priorities.
Who even comes to college for “learning” anyway? Sadly, this behavior is not socially acceptable 364 day out of the year but guess what…
EVERYONE PARTIES ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY
It’s the one of those days where it’s perfectly acceptable to make questionable decisions and flake on responsibilities.
**DISCLAIMER: Unbelievab.ly is not responsible for your actions on St. Patrick’s Day and is not “directly” encouraging bad behavior
2. Copious Amounts of Alcohol
Especially Green Beer. But seriously green beer is delicious.
So delicious in fact that my dad left the hospital the day I was born (St. Patty’s day baby right here) and went to drink green beer at the local bar.
Some would say that his priorities were messed up, but as a St. Patrick’s Day fan- girl I applaud this action whole-heartily.
Also, whoever did this has more alcohol than a liquor store
Shamrocks are the symbol of Ireland! YAY!
Also for some unfortunate reason, shamrocks have recently made the list of “Most Typical Girl Tattoos”, only ranking behind anchors, sappy quotes, and dream catchers.
Find a shamrock with four-leaves? LUCKY YOU. But seriously, four leaf clovers are supposedly lucky.
4. The Abundant Amount of Gingers to Make Fun of
Did you know? There are probably the same amount of the Red-heads at a St. Patrick’s Day celebration as there are at the International Redhead Festival in the Netherlands (This festival is real, check it out here).
This fact alone is a good enough reason to celebrate! And gingers don’t have souls so there’s that…
Note: Gingers are great people and they probably do have souls
5. The EPIC costumes and accessories
From shot glass necklaces to “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirts, you can get decked out in green gear for St. Patty’s.
The possibilities are endless!
Make a trip to the Target dollar section…or to Wal-Mart, where thanks to labor sweatshops (kidding…maybe) the entire store is basically a dollar section.
6. St Patty’s Parade Faces
The faces parade goers make are always priceless, especially when you have applied a liberal amount of green paint to your face.
St. Patty’s day parades are not for the weak stomached and most will be an unforgettable (okay slightly forgettable) day.
Little ol’ Butte, Montana even makes the cut for boisterous parades, and believe me this event is anything but little.
7. Pinch an Inch, Smile a Mile
You know that annoying kid in class that asks too many questions?
Guess what! Pinching them for not wearing green is the perfect (and seemingly innocent) form of payback.
Or you can be like me and pinch someone even when they are wearing green… just play dumb.
But please, don’t be an idiot and forget to wear green yourself.
8. Leprechauns and Pots O’ Gold
These little red-headed tricksters are adorable, and if you don’t think so go look at a Lucky Charms box (look I provided a picture of one).
Does it even really matter that they are secretly greedy and deceiving? No! You would be too if after ever rainbow someone was trying to steal your gold.
Honestly though, he’s so cute.
Whatever you decide to do for St. Patty’s Day remember:
1. Everyone is Irish on St. Patty’s Day
2. Don’t forget to wear green
3. Pace yourself, or else you’ll end up like this guy…
Enjoy the best holiday of the year!
*Each photo linked to source