Ah, it’s that time of the year. The leaves are turning red, the air is starting to cool, the sun is starting to set earlier. Autumn fast approaches, and with it, season specific food. Thats right, it’s tamale time!
Now, if your’e anything like me, then you love tamales. And who doesn’t love a variety of meats and spices wrapped in maze, covered in a corn husk and steamed to perfection? I know a lot about tamales, how to eat them, how to serve them, how to enjoy them, but not how to make them. Fortunately, I’m on the internet.
-10 hours later-
Alright, now I know more about tamales then I’ll ever need to know, and now I am going to make that YOUR problem. Earlier I said “if your’e anything like me, then you love tamales”, but don’t fool yourself. You are nothing like me. For you see, I really love tamales.
Between my tamale obsession and my laziness, I simply can’t make enough tamales by hand to keep me satisfied. So I think it’s time I get a helping hand. Or a lot of helping hands. Like, hundreds of tiny helping hands. And before you ask, I’m not talking about using child labor in a sweatshop next to my storage unit, I’m talking about nanobots! The sweatshop is unrelated, just forget I brought it up.
If you clicked on this thinking it would be a tutorial on how to make tamales, but after seeing that last paragraph are starting to second guess yourself, don’t worry, this is a tamale tutorial. But not your run of the mill tamale tutorial, no, I’m going to teach you how to make tamales like the Demiurge you were always meant to be.
Step 1: making the nanobots
Making nanobots is one of those fun activities you do in an afternoon, ideally with your father or son, depending on what roll you are. Go into the garage and pull out your Kirkland Signature matter fabricator. Program it to make a robot that will make a smaller robot that will make a smaller robot and have this continue until a small robot, approximately the size of a needle, produces a nanobot half the size of a blood cell. Now that that is done, we have just completed the toughest step.
Step 2: from 1 to 2 to goo!
Program that nanobot with 3 instructions. 1, make 4 copies of yourself using any non-tamale matter. 2, download the 3 preprogrammed instructions into the newly fabricated nanobots. 3, convert all non-nanobot matter into tamales. Now you just sit back, relax, and wait as those piles of corn and meat and whatever else magically assembles into tamales before your eyes.
Step 3: realize you made a mistake.
So… we forgot to program the nanobots not to turn ourselves into tamales. And I guess that ought to extend to our friends and family too. But not the neighbor’s dog. By this point, poor snuffles has already had his matter converted into tamale ingredients. Assuming that the nanobots are still on the tamales, lets just avoid eating that batch for now. Besides, we have more important things to do…
Step 4: get out of town!
Because you were so eager to consume delicious tamales, you set the duplication to 4, so we have very little time left. At this point, just go to NASA or SpaceX and steal yourself a rocket. That’s right, we’re leaving Earth. Assuming the nanobots won’t be able to leave Earth on their own, and we know we didn’t program them to be aware enough to realize the entire universe is made out of matter, we should be able to safely establish the first Mars tamale colony! You did follow the instructions, right?
Step 5: take one last look.
Step 6: enough looking, get on the rocket!
Step 7: lift off
By this point, you should be asking yourself, was it worth it? The answer is, yes. Of course it was worth it. But this is also your fault and you should be ashamed. I mean, look at what you did! This, this is Earth right now! This is all your fault. What were you thinking? What, that you would just look up an article online about making tamales, following along without first reading through the entire article? THERE WEREN’T EVEN INGREDIENTS LISTED!
Step 8: remorse
You forgot to grab cattle. Meat doesn’t grow in the ground, corn does. This is your fault, not mine. And you didn’t grab corn seeds. No, Mars dirt can’t be used to make tamales. You don’t even have water to steam your non-tamale dirt tamales. This is why we can’t have nice things, because of people like you.
I hope you found this tamale tutorial useful! Next week, throwing your cat in a nuclear reactor. Federal authorities call it a serious offense and a radiological hazard, but you kids will absolutely love having a glow-in-the-dark kitty cat!
Rating Top 90s Music Trends
Its No Doubt the 90s was a crazy time for all things pop culture. From TV shows like Friends and The Fresh Prince of Belair to Furbies, beanie babies and frosted tips, the 90s broke the mold for self-expression and cultural experimentation. Leading the way for this strange “Anti-culture” movement was, of course, music. The music world began to diversify in terms of artists and genre. Here’s a few of the top music genre trends ranked out of ten. The list is based on the perspective of someone who missed out on living in the culture, but is still feeling the impact of 90s music today.
Hip Hop/R&B- 8/10
There’s a reason why this era of hip hop was referred to as “The Golden Age.” The late 80s left off with the likes of The Beastie Boys and Run DMC. They set the stage for trail blazing 90s artists like Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. The 90s rap scene paved the way for today’s hip hop music. The only reason this category doesn’t get a 10 from me is because R&B/soul queen Mary J. Blige doesn’t get near enough credit for her impact. Mary J. Blige has been setting trends since her start and has accomplished 9 Grammy awards along the way.
Girl Groups- 10/10
Three words: Waterfalls, Wannabe, Jumpin.’ TLC made themselves prominent figures of the 90s with their wild fashion looks and personas. According to Dalton (2017), “TLC’s message was also very clear and unapologetic. They promoted safe sex and female empowerment from the jump.” How can you not get behind this music? Next came The Spice Girls. Riding the wave of TLC’s female empowerment, The Spice Girls owned the phrase “Girl Power.” Their pop power paved the way for stars like Brittany Spears, Christina Aguilera and, of course, Destiny’s Child. Headed by none other than Queen B herself, Destiny’s Child carried the female music powerhouse into the 2000s.
I can’t give the grunge genre a 10/10 because of it’s drug adjacent culture. Grunge music icons from Mover Love Bone, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden and Nirvana have tragically passed away at the hands of drug overdose. Musically though, grunge music was the perfect representation of where society was at the time. Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit still resonates with young rockers rebelling against the system. Grunge music was a strange flash between 80s hair metal and punk rock. It’s difficult to describe the straining guitar sounds and ominous lyrics that define grunge music. Kurt Cobain’s sound on Nirvana’s rendition of “My Girl,” is arguably one of the best vocal masterpieces to exist.
Even though I am not 100% on board with the darker side of grunge culture, I am 10/10 here for the return of plaid and combat boots.
Okay, I may be a little bias here. Blink182 just happens to be one of my favorite bands of all time. Their recent reunion sparking the potential to get to see them live might be the only thing getting me through 2020. All jokes aside, the 90s pop punk scene further fueled the teen spirit with wild mohawks, studs and frantic guitar playing. Although there were tons of pop punk bands who came and went during the 90s, the ones that stood the test of time include Greenday, The Offspring, Sublime, Weezer, and Blink182. In the words of Hodgson (2018), “At its heart, the origins of punk began with a passion to achieve something undeniably real. Punk responded to the gritty realism of the politics and socioeconomic cultures of the day. It grabbed society by the head and shook it into taking notice with bright colours, crude remarks, and insane hairstyles.”
Now I don’t plan on dying anytime soon, but in any case, I hope I experience these things before I go.
At one point, there were boards in my local downtown area that said, “Before I die I want to”, I personally never took them into consideration.
The time has come though where I have to write a blog post, so I am choosing to write a list of big and small things I want to do.
I can’t say that any are more significant than the next, or that they go in any type of order.
Here it is, ten things I want to do before I die.
Meet David Dobrik
This picture really did David Dobrik dirty, but that is besides the fact of how much I love his videos. On the flip side, it was the only one that was mildly good without copyright infringement.
2. Drink wine in Italy
Wine and Italy seem to complement themselves quite well and I feel this might just be what I need to die happy.
3. Attend New York Fashion week
Honestly, if I could attend any type of fashion week I would be happy. I figure if I am going, I might as well go to New York.
4. Watch Conor McGregor fight live
Even though the man is slightly controversial I really would love to see him fight live. I love Ireland and this Irish man.
5. Hike in all 61 National Parks
I am not even sure if you can even “hike” in every national park in the U.S. Although, I do hope that I get to visit all of them.
6. Visit all Seven Wonders of the World
Extremely cliché, but they got their names for a reason.
7. Ski in Zell am See
Zell is located in Salzburg, Austria and I want to ski there. First things first, I have to learn to ski well enough not to die on the mountain. I went there for a Holiday while in Europe and fell in love with the pure beauty this place has to offer.
8. Wake up in the Four Seasons Hotel George V in Paris
Crème de la crème…Even if I woke up in the lobby I think my life would be okay. Preferably stay in the penthouse overlooking the city of Paris, but we will work with what we have.
9. Ride a bull—A real one
For some reason, I have it in my head that I wouldn’t get bucked off in the first millisecond and somewhat want to find out. I also really enjoy watching rodeo and probably should try it before I die.
10. Watch the Macys Day Parade in person
I have always loved watching the Macys Day parade on Thanksgiving. It was one of my favorite things as a little kid to watch with my mom. For that reason, I would love to see it in person with her one day.
Ten things I want to do before I die, some of them very small, some of them more meaningful and others are just plain out goofy. I don’t expect any of you to read this whole thing, but if you do, please share. I both need an “A” and am working for an “A” in this class as well as on my blog, in order to do that I must have 400 clicks of activity. Share away and enjoy my short blogging career.