I would like to introduce Mac, our 10 week old Pit Bull puppy. Mac was born on July 10th, 2020. My fiancé, Lyndsy, and I had been wanting a dog for some time and we were looking to get a puppy or rescue a dog near the end of summer. To our luck Lyndsy’s Aunt’s dogs (dad was full breed pit bull and mother was mostly pit with a little bit of lab) had a litter and we were the first people she asked to see if we wanted a puppy. We immediately said yes and she sent us pictures of the litter so we can pick one out. This little grey ball of joy stuck out to us and we knew he would be perfect for our family. We would get updates from Lyndsy’s aunt on how he was doing and she even started calling him Mac for us around 3 weeks old. We picked him up on August 21st and he has forever changed our lives. Mac can be a handful but is usually very well mannered for a puppy. We are making sure he is crate trained at night where one of us will take him out to potty in the middle of the night, he rarely whines about being in his crate anymore. One nice purchase that we have made is the Fresh Patch, which is a patch of grass (4ft by 2ft) used for dogs to help them train and get them comfortable with the transition to going to the bathroom outside. We are enrolling Mac into some puppy training classes that Lyndsy and I will attend. I cannot wait for this little guy to grow up and be the great dog I know he will be. As of right now he weighs 20 pounds and we are expecting him to be about 90 pounds when he turns a year old.
Ah, it’s that time of the year. The leaves are turning red, the air is starting to cool, the sun is starting to set earlier. Autumn fast approaches, and with it, season specific food. Thats right, it’s tamale time!
Now, if your’e anything like me, then you love tamales. And who doesn’t love a variety of meats and spices wrapped in maze, covered in a corn husk and steamed to perfection? I know a lot about tamales, how to eat them, how to serve them, how to enjoy them, but not how to make them. Fortunately, I’m on the internet.
-10 hours later-
Alright, now I know more about tamales then I’ll ever need to know, and now I am going to make that YOUR problem. Earlier I said “if your’e anything like me, then you love tamales”, but don’t fool yourself. You are nothing like me. For you see, I really love tamales.
Between my tamale obsession and my laziness, I simply can’t make enough tamales by hand to keep me satisfied. So I think it’s time I get a helping hand. Or a lot of helping hands. Like, hundreds of tiny helping hands. And before you ask, I’m not talking about using child labor in a sweatshop next to my storage unit, I’m talking about nanobots! The sweatshop is unrelated, just forget I brought it up.
If you clicked on this thinking it would be a tutorial on how to make tamales, but after seeing that last paragraph are starting to second guess yourself, don’t worry, this is a tamale tutorial. But not your run of the mill tamale tutorial, no, I’m going to teach you how to make tamales like the Demiurge you were always meant to be.
Step 1: making the nanobots
Making nanobots is one of those fun activities you do in an afternoon, ideally with your father or son, depending on what roll you are. Go into the garage and pull out your Kirkland Signature matter fabricator. Program it to make a robot that will make a smaller robot that will make a smaller robot and have this continue until a small robot, approximately the size of a needle, produces a nanobot half the size of a blood cell. Now that that is done, we have just completed the toughest step.
Step 2: from 1 to 2 to goo!
Program that nanobot with 3 instructions. 1, make 4 copies of yourself using any non-tamale matter. 2, download the 3 preprogrammed instructions into the newly fabricated nanobots. 3, convert all non-nanobot matter into tamales. Now you just sit back, relax, and wait as those piles of corn and meat and whatever else magically assembles into tamales before your eyes.
Step 3: realize you made a mistake.
So… we forgot to program the nanobots not to turn ourselves into tamales. And I guess that ought to extend to our friends and family too. But not the neighbor’s dog. By this point, poor snuffles has already had his matter converted into tamale ingredients. Assuming that the nanobots are still on the tamales, lets just avoid eating that batch for now. Besides, we have more important things to do…
Step 4: get out of town!
Because you were so eager to consume delicious tamales, you set the duplication to 4, so we have very little time left. At this point, just go to NASA or SpaceX and steal yourself a rocket. That’s right, we’re leaving Earth. Assuming the nanobots won’t be able to leave Earth on their own, and we know we didn’t program them to be aware enough to realize the entire universe is made out of matter, we should be able to safely establish the first Mars tamale colony! You did follow the instructions, right?
Step 5: take one last look.
Step 6: enough looking, get on the rocket!
Step 7: lift off
By this point, you should be asking yourself, was it worth it? The answer is, yes. Of course it was worth it. But this is also your fault and you should be ashamed. I mean, look at what you did! This, this is Earth right now! This is all your fault. What were you thinking? What, that you would just look up an article online about making tamales, following along without first reading through the entire article? THERE WEREN’T EVEN INGREDIENTS LISTED!
Step 8: remorse
You forgot to grab cattle. Meat doesn’t grow in the ground, corn does. This is your fault, not mine. And you didn’t grab corn seeds. No, Mars dirt can’t be used to make tamales. You don’t even have water to steam your non-tamale dirt tamales. This is why we can’t have nice things, because of people like you.
I hope you found this tamale tutorial useful! Next week, throwing your cat in a nuclear reactor. Federal authorities call it a serious offense and a radiological hazard, but you kids will absolutely love having a glow-in-the-dark kitty cat!
Very recently my family and I lost a close friend, our dog Sophie. She was almost 14 years old and was full of life and energy up until about her last week with us. After returning home from the vet the day we had to put her down, my father and I sat outside and reminisced about our favorite memories with her and talked about what a great dog she was. She was always as friendly, loyal, loving, and caring as any dog could have been. This discussion with my dad led to another conversation that I decided I wanted to share because I think it has some truth to it. The conversation that came up was; what if people thought a little more like dogs do?
It is no secret that our nation is somewhat of a disaster right now. With Covid-19, social injustice, and politics, being the top contributors, there is always something for people to disagree upon. America seems to be divided about everything, even in a time where we arguably need to be unified the most. That being said, my dog didn’t care what your skin color was, your religion, your political views, your income, or any other opinions you might have. If you treated her well, she was going to treat you well. She judged you exclusively on your character, and I think we could solve a lot of these issues if people thought the same way.
I don’t want to get into politics too much, but it always seems that every ad or debate has to be negative. Maybe if people could focus on why they will do a good job, rather than why the opposing candidate would do a bad job, things would be less divided. Or at least less extreme. I wish people could still have respect for each other, even if they have differing opinions.
My dog always focused on reasons to like people, until you gave her a reason not to. It seems that people tend to have it backward. People want to overgeneralize and dislike someone until they find a reason that they shouldn’t.
A great example of how dogs show love and loyalty where it is due, no matter the circumstances, would be that more often than not, (at least where I am from) homeless people seem to always have a dog with them. And in my experience, the dog doesn’t look any less happy than a dog living in a big house. Assuming they are both treated properly. Dogs don’t care how much money you have or who you are, treat them well and they’ll do the same. Sophie was always loving and compassionate up until her dying days, even when she finally got sick, she did her best to make sure her owners still knew that.
I think people can learn a lot from my dog, and probably from most dogs. The point that I am making is that if people could see past their inherited prejudices, and quit overgeneralizing, the world would probably be a much better place. It is possible to love people with different opinions, religions, political views, or anything else that seems to only divides us. Sophie showed me that. There would be much less hate in the world if people thought like Soph did. I encourage everyone who reads this to try and treat people like she did, it’s not that hard after all. It’s so easy even a dog can do it.
But here’s the thing: being a pit bull owner comes with the responsibility of being a good breed ambassador. There is too much breed-specific legislation, prohibitive insurance policies, and negative press out there. Every dog is a good dog, and deserves a loving, stable home where they can thrive.