It’s Not Me, It’s You

8 types of guys that girls can’t stand and guys don’t want to be

1. Elliptical Guy

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We see the elliptical guy and he confuses us. As girls, we question why a guy is using the machine. Sure, the elliptical is stereotypically for women, but that’s only because any man on it hasn’t been to the gym enough to know otherwise. While he could actually be trying to tone his booty and calves, the nature of manliness and the required equipment lead us to believe that this man has ulterior motives. Ladies pull up your shirt and avoid eye contact because elliptical guy is on the prowl. Elliptical guy, your bro tank and gently used Nikes fail to distract us from your intention to chat with fellow female elliptical users, “it’s not me, it’s you.”

2. Bar Fight Guy


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This guy is a knockout, literally. He will start with, “let’s go out for drinks, baby.” As much as this guy believes he is a perfect ten, his ill-prepared pickup lines and overwhelming eagerness to buy us another round only results in irritation and a serious case of skin crawling. Pretty soon, one vodka redbull turns to three and your shoulders are inevitably between many other pairs. Just when you think it is safe to turn around, bar fight guy brilliantly decides throwing a punch for no reason will lead him to getting lucky. What began as a romantic night out, ends with you running away in your high heels from an angry mob. While we may love acts of passion in the bedroom, as for at the bar, no thanks. Bar fight guy, “it’s not me, it’s you.”

3. Avoiding a Relationship Status Guy

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This guy is so cryptic about your relationship, you’re about to buy Rosetta Stone to decipher him. His sweet talk and keen methods of avoiding conversation leave you anxiously analyzing his every action. You can identify this type of guy by phrases like: “we don’t need to define our feelings,” “were just going with the flow,” or “let’s just see where this takes us.” Your friends endlessly pry about your relationship and nearly every new interaction is preceded with meet my “friend” [insert name here.] This guy is so ambiguous you catch yourself acting definitively crazy stalking his Facebook, psycho analyzing his texts, and did a drive by just happen? The combination of casual hookups and random dates leave our head spinning so c’mon man, as long as you keep calling us just friends, “it’s not me, it’s you.”

4. Random Guy in the ClubGrinding Guy

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On the dance floor, you can feel this guy approaching before he enters your personal bubble. A warm breath on the back of your neck usually signals his approach along with sweaty, poorly placed hands on your hips. Finally, our stomach churns with the ever so classy bulge pressing against your lower back. This instantly brings out your inner nun, wishing for a turtleneck and regretting previous booty shakes. We will never know why this guy believes girls enjoy being stealthily approached from behind only to be severely violated by his crotch. We can conclude this guy’s attempted imitation of Channing Tatum is closer to John Travolta in Hairspray. If you want a dance, buy us a drink and just ask. Random guy in the club, we don’t want to back up on it, sorry “it’s not me, it’s you.”

5. Social Media Obsessed Guy

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Whoa there thunder thumbs, slow down! This guy taps on his phone so much sometimes we are surprised the screen hasn’t cracked. We must applaud him for his endless knowledge of every social media outlet. However, this guy has somehow managed to convince himself his number of new notifications is a direct reflection of his likability thus faultily concluding he deserves a high self esteem. You can’t put a filter on real life, so clear your vision girl! As soon as retweets, filters, likes, and hashtags become main topics of conversation it’s time to think twice. Social media guy, until you stop determining your self worth by your number of retweets, #itsnotmeitsyou.

6. Pretentious Guy

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As much fun as it is to listen about your fraternity awards, self-serving volunteer work, and profoundly faulty solution to world hunger, we would rather sit through a PBS special on the eating patterns of a mollusk than hear one more word about your excessive and futile efforts. The more you yammer on, the more we realize you love the sound of your own voice more than you could ever love us so you shouldn’t be surprised that your relationships don’t go as well as your election as secretary of environmental club. So until my eyes don’t glaze over with just the thought of conversing with you, we must proudly proclaim that “it’s not me, it’s you.”

7. Gym Rat Guy

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We wonder how long it took this gym rat to arrange his protein mix containers into a three-tiered pyramid (complete with a perfected backlighting and an inspirational quote) before he proudly uploaded it to his Instagram. He points out to us that excuses don’t burn calories, but we’d like to add the excessively posed selfies in the dirty gym mirror doesn’t either. His extensive effort to strategically show off his biceps does not go unnoticed but when you ditch us for your fellow sweaty men – we’re forced to question what we’re willing to deal with for washboard abs. Next time, put some of that effort into pleasing more than just our eyes, so we don’t have to keep saying “it’s not me, it’s you.”

8. Identity Crisis Guy

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This guy has been recently inspired by another male, so inspired in fact that he has moments where he takes on his latest idol’s personality. Sure the inspiration starts with some sporadic catchphrases but adoration turns to imitation and with that, a powerful girl repellent. Common mistakes of this guy include wearing clothes he can’t pull of as well as Ryan Gosling or forgetting about his race when blasting dirty rap from his 2002 Toyota Camry. When analyzing identity crisis guy, you must be aware of who your man is channeling. A dash of Don Draper or Drake may whisk you away into a temporary fantasyland, but as soon as your guy touches upon Jesse from Breaking Bad you’re shaken back into reality. While we may enjoy role-playing now and then, remember at the end of the day we like you for you. Identity crisis guy, until you realize you cannot be a combination of James Bond and Liam Hemsworth, we will forever tell your alternate identity, “it’s not me, it’s you.”

One Reply to “It’s Not Me, It’s You”

  1. Hahaha this is so true it’s sad. Read this in the middle of class and had to hide my face. #4

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