There are many great debates in our society: Coke or Pepsi, Democrat or Republican, what color was the dress, and is Matthew McConaughey a good actor; but no debate has more impact on society’s direction than the great crunchy vs creamy peanut butter debate. I am here today to settle that debate once and for all, so that we can move onto other, less pressing, issues that face us.
The first point creamy enthusiasts will point out, is that it’s easier to spread than crunchy. In other words: they are lazy and lack the skill required to properly spread crunchy’s goodness. Why would you want peanut butter to be the same consistency as regular butter? A jar of peanut butter is no Land O’Lakes. I will not need to spread this in a paper-thin layer and expect it to melt into a surface to saturate it with peanut-ness. Peanut butter stands on top. You want it to have girth, body, volume and stature. You want that peanut butter to be like a firm handshake, not some limp wristed, noodle like excuse for a handshake. It’s that heartiness that endeared America to the peanut in the first place. By churning it into a creamy butter, you’re basically cutting off its nuts. Which brings me to my next point: it’s called PEANUT butter. How can you call something PEANUT butter and not have any PEANUTS in it? Peanut butter without nuts isn’t real peanut butter, it’s peanut flavored paste.
The most common use of peanut butter is in the famous PB&J sandwich. In this magical paring, the jelly serves as the smooth substance. You need something with substance to properly compliment the jelly. A creamy PB&J is just a mush-mouth sandwich. Just thinking of the texture derived from that blasphemous combination makes me want to gag.
According to the National Peanut Board, an offshoot communist group remaining from the days of the USSR, 60% of Americans prefer creamy to crunchy. This cannot stand! As crunchy enthusiasts, we need to take it upon ourselves to evangelize the superiority of crunchy peanut butter. If we can come together as a people and realize how much better crunchy is, just imagine the feats we could accomplish. Peace in the Middle East? Done. Colonizing Mars? Easy. Literally nothing is out of our reach if everyone can agree that creamy peanut butter has no place in society. Together, we can make crunchy peanut butter great again!