Trump wins! Mexico agrees to unique deal with America to pay for “The Wall”

After an unexpected phone call with the president of Mexico over the weekend, POTUS Donald Trump claimed victory once again in his quest to make America great again by coming to an agreement that benefits both countries.  “The Wall” as it is commonly known, will be constructed and financed by Mexican citizens seeking to enter a country that isn’t great yet, but promised to be so soon.


The terms of the agreement include Trump using American labor and American steel to create a casino wall lined with slot machines.  Those seeking to enter will have to “play to stay,” using slot machines constructed using American steel from one of Trump’s companies, commissioned by Trump himself.  Alistair Bernhard, a former student of Trump University and currently on visa from England, had this to say about the arrangement: “Gambling is great.  I love gambling.  The chance to gamble for citizenship in this soon to be great country is what everyone should dream of.  He’s getting rid of accessible healthcare for everyone.  Do you know how annoying it is to be given affordable healthcare and never use it?  Anyway, the real threat is on the Canadian border.  We should build a wall there.  They have affordable healthcare, and we know how bad that is for a country.”


The decision to use Trump’s branded casinos comes with a bit of confusion, however.  In line with his rule to dismantle two regulations for every one created, he has decided to dismantle two that he created.  Trump will be removing the visa application process and removing the current ban on several Muslim countries, so that anyone visiting “The Wall” can use his slot machines.  He expressed his excitement for the ensuing construction with this statement, “The Wall is going to be great.  It’s going to be so great that Americans are going to want to see how great it is.  It’s going to be built so greatly you’re going to want to see how great it looks like on Mexico’s side.”


We already want to be on the other side, Donald.

5 Things Wrong With the Election Process

  1. Primary Issues. #FeelTheBern Sanders. Primary Results.

I am all for State’s Rights and the right each state has to choose a process in which the elections are conducted. But for the efficiency of the electoral process, it should be simplified and semi-standardized throughout.  As an example, the Iowa caucuses were a nightmare this year. Several of the districts came down to a coin flip. Which of course, begs the question: is it an accurate representation of populous? Maine and Nebraska seem to have a comprehensive system where each congressional district gives the represented elector to the winner and then the spare two go toward the overall statewide winner. It gives each citizen a greater impact on where the vote goes.

  1. Primary Debates. Carson. Hilary Clinton. Clinton. 2016 Election. Bernie Sanders.

I hate the way the primary debates are shaped and executed. Hate. Hate. Hate. For a year and a half we listen to a handful of grown people bash each other on live television and attack after attack on what the other candidates have done wrong. Especially this past election cycle with the GOP debates having shouting matches between the candidates and even with the moderators. During the MSNBC GOP debate, there were several moments when arguments got so off topic because the far left moderators weren’t asking informative questions and the far right candidates felt attacked by accusations and leading questions. As a voter who still isn’t sure about the candidate I would prefer to have in office, the debates don’t do shit for me. They need to be controlled better and limited to answering questions about policy not defending someone’s attack. Also, the moderators need to be impartial and not ask leading questions to get a rise out of a candidate and ask informed questions, so that an (admittedly ignorant) voter like me can have a chance of learning what platforms these candidates stand for.

  1. Primary Debates (Again).

I said I hate the debate system. I meant it. I’m also a person who doesn’t necessarily identify with a particular political party, but rather finding a leader with ideas and policies I support. So I would want to see cross party debates in the primaries so they can be measured up all at once, pick the top 4-5 candidates from each party and pit them against each other in open debate and discussion. It would be a good place for a highly undecided voter to see the candidates’ platforms. It’s also extremely unappealing to listen for a year about how shitty each of the candidates are, and then one by one, as they drop out of the race all of a sudden they encourage supporters to support the leader two months ago they were calling incompetent and unqualified. The flip flopping of support is very annoying and seems like they are either lying now about supporting the frontrunner, or they lied earlier about why the frontrunner was a schmuck.

  1. Electoral College Donald Trump. Trump. Marco Rubio. Rubio. Ben Carson.

I am in the boat that my vote doesn’t count (although I absolutely do vote so I can legitimately reserve my right to complain). However, it is hard to say that my vote actually means something when the past two presidential elections have been called by the time my state’s election is even over. A nation-wide popular vote would make every single vote count more since my part of three EC votes doesn’t even affect the outcome of the race.

#2016Election. Debates.

Election Results. Election. Presidential Election. President. GOP. Democrat. Democratic. Republican. Republican Primary. Democratic Primary. 

Trump Rejects Primaries in Favor of Fight Club

Donald Trump in a bold move has announced his intentions to settle the remaining GOP primaries via “something akin to fight club”. donaldtrump1

In a shocking turn of events the real estate mogul turned self funded politician announced his plan at a NASCAR rally in Chattanooga, Tennessee  ahead of the state’s primary.

“Look at these guys, scrawny fellas right? America was made great by burly beavermen who chopped wood with their own damn hands. We are a country united by our strength and love of protein shakes. Our founding fathers gave us the right to bare arms yet I haven’t seen a politician actively stand by that constitutional right since. Listen folks, we need a leader that knows how to lift.  How can we respect a candidate who doesn’t respect mad gains?”

“You guys ever see that movie Fight Club? I think that was a good system. Men asserting their power with their fists. The voting establishment of today doesn’t guarantee us a strong president or one with mad judo skills for that matter. Look at how they do this in Russia people, Putin came to power by boxing a bear and look where Russia is today. The point I’m trying to make here is that voting won’t give us the strongest leader ; which is why I’m calling out Rubio, Cruz, Kasich, and Carson to be men. Mano a mano, Trump Tower, Tomorrow”

In an interview later that day when asked why he took this drastic turn he responded by calling the other candidates “sweaty nerds who don’t even lift”, he followed “that this is probably their only chance at winning”.

Self-provided photo from Trump’s 2013 WWE Hall of Fame induction

“I can do like 8 pull ups, these losers don’t stand a chance”

With Trump currently standing in the WWE Hall of Fame and being a former owner of Monday Night Raw this move to take his dominance in the polls to a physical arena comes as no surprise to pundits the world over. Vice President Joe Biden has already stepped forward to offer his skills as referee. Leaders the world over are already firmly grasping their lunch money in anticipation of the results of this election year.