Trump Rejects Primaries in Favor of Fight Club

Donald Trump in a bold move has announced his intentions to settle the remaining GOP primaries via “something akin to fight club”. donaldtrump1

In a shocking turn of events the real estate mogul turned self funded politician announced his plan at a NASCAR rally in Chattanooga, Tennessee  ahead of the state’s primary.

“Look at these guys, scrawny fellas right? America was made great by burly beavermen who chopped wood with their own damn hands. We are a country united by our strength and love of protein shakes. Our founding fathers gave us the right to bare arms yet I haven’t seen a politician actively stand by that constitutional right since. Listen folks, we need a leader that knows how to lift.  How can we respect a candidate who doesn’t respect mad gains?”

“You guys ever see that movie Fight Club? I think that was a good system. Men asserting their power with their fists. The voting establishment of today doesn’t guarantee us a strong president or one with mad judo skills for that matter. Look at how they do this in Russia people, Putin came to power by boxing a bear and look where Russia is today. The point I’m trying to make here is that voting won’t give us the strongest leader ; which is why I’m calling out Rubio, Cruz, Kasich, and Carson to be men. Mano a mano, Trump Tower, Tomorrow”

In an interview later that day when asked why he took this drastic turn he responded by calling the other candidates “sweaty nerds who don’t even lift”, he followed “that this is probably their only chance at winning”.

Self-provided photo from Trump’s 2013 WWE Hall of Fame induction

“I can do like 8 pull ups, these losers don’t stand a chance”

With Trump currently standing in the WWE Hall of Fame and being a former owner of Monday Night Raw this move to take his dominance in the polls to a physical arena comes as no surprise to pundits the world over. Vice President Joe Biden has already stepped forward to offer his skills as referee. Leaders the world over are already firmly grasping their lunch money in anticipation of the results of this election year.

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